Should You Be “Guarding Your Heart?”

“You need to protect your heart.”

I used to think it was an Evangelical Christian phrase, but I’ve been hearing it permeate the wider culture, even being used on popular shows that millions stream like Love is Blind.

As with most admonishments, I trust that it’s a well-intended piece of advice, but it doesn’t provide concrete instruction or direction.

Our hearts (in the emotional sense) are ephemeral things. For men, their hearts are depicted as being their center of strength, courage—their lifeblood, their center. Images of Braveheart are conjured, men with their faces painted thumping their chests. How different though, for women. Women’s hearts are depicted as delicate, easily pierced, invaded, or broken. It’s thought of as a source of emotions, often too big to be contained or too fickle. It’s associated with our breast, our sexuality and sensuality. Where one gender’s heart is the epitome of force and determination, the other’s is the evidence of fragility.

No wonder women get crap advice that position us as a victim in danger from the jump.

When I ask what does it mean to “guard your heart,” most women answer “not get hurt” or “not get too attached.” Essentially, we’re teaching a message of avoidance.

In addition to coaching women to hold themselves back, not trust themselves or fear hard feelings, we’re also not giving them any substantive reasons to protect themselves or ways to do so.

I do agree that in all relationships, especially new romantic ones, we need to proceed with caution and not put all our faith or trust in someone that hasn’t earned it. But where is the advice on how to build trust? We’re taught about red and green flags, but we also need to talk about how to pace a relationship and the discipline it takes to keep your better judgment when feelings and hormones are flying.

What’s better than giving someone the vague instruction to guard their heart? Tell them the how and why.

1. Start with your self-trust gauge.

Do you trust your own inner voice? How often do you follow your instincts before you can confirm them? Do you shut down your emotions or pay attention to what they might be telling you? Start building your self-trust now. It’s never too early or late. Have mini check-ins with yourself in the morning or before bed. Reflect on the day and whether you kept promises to yourself, acknowledged your needs and listened to your intuition.

2. Acknowledge your feelings.

All of them. The sneaky ones. The big ones. The scary, possibly unrequited ones. You don’t do yourself any favors by lying to yourself or minimizing what you’re feeling. If anything, it’s going to make you feel more unstable and hurt if a relationship doesn’t go the way you want and you didn’t admit the pressure you were putting on it or how good it was making you feel. If you can be honest about your hopes, fears, unknowns and desires and let yourself feel those, you can let them pass through you if a relationship isn’t for you. You get to feel and then release those emotions and not attach them to any person, your worth or your desirability.

3. Don’t set deadlines.

If the goal is a lasting monogamous relationship, then there’s no amount of time that’s too long to explore who someone is. Trust will be ever-growing. And there will inevitably be times when trust is damaged or even broken and you have to determine whether to repair the relationship. If you set hard deadlines and draw lines in the sand, there’s too much of a temptation to rush things and tell each other what you want to hear to check a box and meet the milestone. If you’re not satisfied with how the relationship is progressing in some way, then talk about that and what you’re missing or what you need. But don’t give the person an ultimatum to try and get what you want. You’ll end up getting a half-hearted profession or compliance instead of genuine understanding and mutual growth.

4. Pay attention to what they say, but give more weight to what they do.

Do their actions match their words? How do they live their values? Are they consistent in how they show up for you and treat you? How do they respond to stress? Conflict? Big emotions? Feedback? I think one of the hardest parts about getting to know anyone and building trust is that one or two events is not enough to judge someone by. You have to be around each other long enough and consistently enough to start seeing patterns. Anyone can perform for a while. Narcissists and sociopaths are notoriously good at first impressions, but terrible at consistency. Look at track records. Don’t dive into all your past hurts or get intimate right away or in one fell swoop. Let them show you they can be trusted with the little things. Let them match your vulnerability and even lead in some cases. See if they acknowledge you and make you feel safe to share. Do they make it all about them or pump you up with toxic positivity? Do they compare everything to your current relationship and put it on a pedestal? Let them show you who they are and their level of maturity and then believe them when they do.

5. Know the difference between attachment and emotions.

You can feel excited about a person, be hopeful about your future, be clear about your intentions and still not give that person blind trust and influence in your life. You wouldn’t hand a new friend your wallet after knowing them for three weeks and ask them to manage your finances and pay your bills. So don’t put your self worth in a new love interest after three weeks (or three months). Take your time building your physical AND emotional connections. You can care deeply for someone and even be gaga about them without getting fully attached right away. How? Reserve time to maintain your normal self-care, priorities, and other relationships. Journal and review journals after a few weeks to maintain some objectivity and get a feel for patterns in the relationship. Open up a little bit at a time. Share out of generosity and confidence, not fear of losing them. Puppy love is awesome. It is so pure and fun and exhilarating and should absolutely be cherished. But it’s fleeting and it can’t truly be trusted or maintained. Real love is a commitment and endures all kinds of not so fun things. It is deep and grounded, steady, and dependable. Some might even say—boring. So enjoy getting to know someone instead of focusing on making them your significant other. Rushing into commitment won’t guarantee you emotional safety. It will more likely cause you to ignore things you need to address and cause you more hurt and confusion in the long run.

6. Be guided by courage instead of driven by fear.

And this goes back to number one on the list. Know your values. Know what you want and deserve. And be uncompromising about it. Show up as the person you want to be, not who you think they want you to be. That alone is courageous vulnerability. Let them see your weird sense of humor. Take off the makeup once in a while. Wear the weird outfit that makes you feel cool. Sing off key. Shake your booty. Whatever freak flag you got, fly it. If they’re going to reject you for it, let them! But don’t you go rejecting yourself. Don’t shrink or hide or apologize for all of the amazingly wonderful (and—okay, some not so s’marvelous) parts that make up you. Take your time, but be willing to let the guard down when someone has shown they are letting theirs down too. Don’t require perfection or pretense. Let that other person come to you raw and unmanaged and don’t try to fix them. Accept that love and meaningful relationships don’t come from perfect compatibility and flawless personalities, but from commitment to consistent communication and growth. When in doubt, ask yourself, “Am I tempted to do/say this out of fear or courage?” and let the courage lead you where you want to go.

Now I know this advice doesn’t fit on an Instagram square, a post-it or a cross-stitch pillow. It’s not an easy platitude you can deliver to your girlfriend in between her broken-hearted sniffles and sips of wine. But I’m willing to bet it’s more helpful than “guard your heart,” a phrase that is ambiguous at best and misguided at worst.

Let’s open ourselves to the possibility of love. But real love. The kind of love that is forged under pressure and tested over time. The kind of love that’s worth hurting over because it’s proven that it’s resilient and can recover and even strengthen us.

Let’s not fear rejection or take it as a confirmation of our worst insecurities. And let’s not spread our fears and put our insecurities on other women by telling them to watch out and be ready for the other shoe to drop. 

Let’s stand in our worth, our intuition, our values, and our ability to make hard choices. And know that we can make mistakes and learn from them. We can hurt and heal. We can endure disappointment and even embarrassment and recover with more hope and an even better sense of humor. We have everything we need to take care of ourselves. It’s just a matter of staying tuned in, instead of shutting anything or anyone out.

Listen to your hearts, gals!