How to Talk Politics Without Losing Your Mind

If there’s anything we can agree on these days it’s that we can hardly agree.

For the conflict averse, the sensitive souls and the civically minded trying to figure out how to engage in healthy debate is a minefield. And because most of us are exhausted and terrified, we largely avoid discussing our political opinions and questions altogether. We settle for silos and continue to fall prey to confirmation bias. We’re not expanding our thoughts or enriching our perspective, just tunneling deeper into what feels normal and logical to us.

So how do you talk to Great Aunt Sherry about her one-issue voting or why you’re now a registered independent? Is there ever a good time or way to talk politics or is it simply one of those taboo topics that should be avoided at all costs?

We believe part of being a responsible citizen and an engaged human is staying informed, advocating for policy change and engaging with our government in ways you’re able (whether through voting, polling, canvassing, lobbying, fundraising, donating, or other means). You certainly don’t need to do all the things, but you should engage in some form. You don’t have to talk to your neighbor that you know hates the police or your friend who loves conspiracy theories. But you shouldn’t be afraid to have conversations when the right time and place occurs.

So how do you know who, when and how to engage?

Who you should you engage

1. Is there any relational equity with this person? 

Meaning, are they your friend of 14 years or just the occupant of the bar stool next to yours? Do you and this person have mutual trust and respect so that even if you have different perspectives (and spoiler alert—you will), you can give each other the benefit of the doubt and really hear each other out? Or does this person not care about you and your feelings and just want to proclaim their opinions? Do you?

2. Have I already had this or a similar conversation with this person recently?

Then leave the dead horse to be respectfully buried and carry on with your life. As Elsa would say, let it go.

3. Is this person a reasonable and safe person to talk to?

This really goes back to number one. If you don’t know this person well, it’s probably not worth having a long conversation with them. One would hope that someone who’s argumentative, pushy, impatient, arrogant or derogatory would be a stranger and you could just walk away. But maybe they’re a family member. Maybe you’re cornered at your niece’s bat mitzvah by your Uncle Sal and he won’t let you go until you tell him who you voted for in the last election. While it might feel awkward to excuse yourself or refuse to answer probing questions, you have to “Know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away.” If you have friends or family with a pattern of narcissistic behavior, abuse, conspiracy theories, radical ideologies or bullying, it is never a good idea to engage with them on sensitive matters. They will try to bait you and you will have to swim away. Even people who are just plain pushy, one-sided or unopen to new ideas aren’t worth your time. They’re rare. There’s way more good and earnest ones out there. Stick to chatting with people who will show you respect and compassion. Every political conversation doesn’t have to be a soul-sucking argument. In fact, none should be!

When you should engage

4. Is the context adequately safe, low-pressure and private?

While politics shouldn’t be taboo, they are personal. Engaging someone in a conversation where there’s a lot of people around can turn into a scene quickly. To truly have a productive conversation, you want a relaxed environment and an intimate group in a fairly quiet place. Restaurant, church, club or bar, no. A coffee shop, lounge or park is better, but at home is usually best. Discussions are best had sober and not too late at night.

5. What is the emotional temperature of the room?

Are you stressed from the week’s events or anxious in any way? Is the person you’re talking to? Have you been feeling on edge, irritated or short? Or are you experiencing compassion fatigue and feeling numb? Do a gut check. Now is not the time to let off your steam. If someone else is trying to take the conversation to a topic you know will get you emotional, then politely ask if you can talk about that another time and introduce another topic. Asking a question about them is a great way to redirect. Everyone likes to talk about themselves!

How you should engage

6. What is my goal for this conversation? Am I actually curious about this person’s perspective and open to hearing it?

This may be the hardest question to answer and sometimes the most discouraging. Oftentimes we’ll find the truth is that we’re really passionate about our point of view and want to share it and win people over to “our side.” We’re not all that interested in hearing another perspective or considering opposing evidence. We can get into defense mode, quick! But if we’re going to have enjoyable conversations that are positive, rather than yelling matches and trolling, we have to approach someone with the openness we would like to receive. Be honest. If you’re really not open to considering a different point of view on the matter, that’s totally fine, but then don’t waste anyone’s time by pretending your lecture is a conversation. Just move on, professor! 

7. What do I not know about this topic?

A good litmus test for if you’re remaining open, is to see how many questions you can generate versus rebuttals. How long can you elicit more information from the other person before you’re dying to contribute your own thoughts? If it’s less than 5 minutes, you probably need to do some meditation and try again another day. There’s always more to be learned. You don’t have to change your mind, but you should be curious about what you could learn from someone else and how that might better inform your choices.

8. Can I look at this matter objectively?

One of the main issues we have with discussing important matters, not just politics, is that the things we are passionate about are usually deeply personal to us. We have experiences, wounds, pride, identity, trauma and fear that color how we view policy, just like it colors our views on religion, family, morality, and even how we dress or what we eat. It’s difficult to not let an opposing opinion feel like an attack on us. We have to remember that the issues, though personal, are not us. We are separate from the policies, candidates, ideas, systems and people groups we discuss and someone’s support or opposition of them does not mean they despise us or threaten us. 

It’s an incredibly fine line to walk, knowing that you can be deeply affected by the choices that person makes and the views they hold, but not reacting defensively. You have to know your boundaries and tolerance for conflict. It’s okay to walk away. That’s not defeat. You’re allowed to hold outrage and you need to express it at some point in a safe environment. But not with people who are the ones triggering you. The moment someone starts name-calling or labeling is your cue to walk out the door. Slam it if you like.

But in most cases with reasonable people, we have to work on not personalizing someone’s ideas. For instance, when encountering someone who holds a stereotype, it can be helpful to think about how if they were born or raised in a different context, how they’d likely have a totally different view. It’s not about you, it has to do with their context. And while it may affect you profoundly, that person hasn’t set out to be against you, their vision is impaired, just like yours. It’s shaped by a unique perspective and right now they’re not seeing clearly or fully. And you don’t have to be the coffee table they keep stumbling into and you don’t have to be the eye glasses to help them see 20/20. It’s up to you if you want to engage them.

9. What’s the best context to have this conversation in?

Let’s just get this out there: don’t talk politics on social media. I mean it. Unless you’re a committed advocate for a specific cause/policy or a credentialed media source, just don’t do it. Share vetted, accredited, direct resources (Reuters, Ballotpedia, Votesmart), but don’t repost from unknown sources—that’s called propaganda. Don’t get on stories and share a heartfelt testimonial. Don’t share a meme of a candidate. Don’t post a passive aggressive question and then turn comments off. When have you ever seen a productive conversation about politics occur on social media? I’ll wait…

…still waiting…

Yeah, that’s what I thought. As much as we may want to use social media as a rallying cry and to inform people about important issues, it’s not conducive to sensitive topics or nuanced conversation. It rarely changes minds in a positive way. It ends up attracting trolls and bullies and spreads more misinformation and fighting. Please, leave this to the queen, @sharonsayso 💕 and the Governerds.

The same goes for email and even voice texts like Voxer. If you absolutely can’t look someone in the face, then at the very least, you should be able to hear the tone of their voice when you discuss something as sensitive as politics. Don’t get lazy or shy. Part of why we end up so frustrated by these conversations is because we don’t feel heard. So make sure the time and place is right for you to connect with your conversation partners. After all, how will you ever see eye to eye if you can’t even see each other?

Summary

The summary is this: you’ve got to assemble the right people, place, time and situation to discuss sensitive topics like politics. This seems so obvious when you boil it down, but the truth is that it requires a lot of self-awareness and discipline to do this well. We can’t have an intelligent conversation when we’re 3 beers deep, sleep-deprived or coming off a 12-hour shift. We shouldn’t be talking to strangers on the internet or stereotyping the people we love based on their political opinions. We can’t bring something divisive up that we just read, but didn’t have time to fact check, in a noisy distracting café. And we can’t just talk about everything we are passionate and educated on and ignore the issues and perspectives we’re not well-informed on. 

I think if we’re honest with ourselves, most of the time, the reason we’re exhausted by conversations about politics is because we’re trying to have them in all the wrong places with all the wrong people in all the wrong ways. We don’t want to check our egos, get curious, stay humble, lean in, actively listen, admit what we don’t know, reconsider or be vulnerable. And listen, there aren’t many good models of healthy debate these days, even in our public leaders. It’s no wonder we’re a bit lost and fearful. But we do have what it takes to talk politics with kindness and respect. It doesn’t have to be fraught. You can enjoy talking about important matters and even arguing with someone. It can actually be energizing and refreshing. 

Only you can decide how and when you want to discuss what matters to you and what you hope to understand better. I hope you’ll choose to open yourself up to conversations with people who think differently from you and expect the best. It’s incredible what can bloom when people create a safe and curious space together to explore the things that matter most.