The Timeline of Love

People just love giving relationship advice. Particularly dating advice. 

Let me be clear—I do not.

Nine times out of ten it’s so well-intentioned and even somewhat wise, but eight of those nine times it still lacks the nuance and personalization needed to be genuinely helpful. Then there’s the sheer volume. Advice comes from parents, friends, pastors, teachers, influencers and even strangers. It’s too much to sift through and often we end up tuning out everyone or at the very least, unable to find the pearls of wisdom amidst the sea of crap.

After all, there’s a lot to comment on when it comes to dating. Relationships are a central part of life, a shared human experience that we can all relate to. If you think about it, you’ve probably also shared advice a time or two. I’m betting it was even good advice. 

But then there’s the advice that’s actually thinly veiled judgment. You know it. I know it. The comments that reveal there’s an expectation or standard that you’re not meeting and this advice-giving is a way of trying to control your behavior. And hey—there are some toxic behaviors and critical mistakes that we all should avoid if at all possible. Sometimes we do need some tough love and a little slap upside the old conscience. But then there are opinions, things that are not critical matters to the health and longevity of you or your future that you don’t need unsolicited advice on.

The urge to know if you’re on time

If you’re reading this and you’re a woman in between the ages of eighteen and forty-five, chances are you’ve asked yourself, is my relationship progressing on time? As if there’s a train schedule for these things.

And okay, maybe it didn’t sound exactly like that in your head. Maybe it went like, “Should I want to move in with him by now?” Or “Am I rushing things because I feel like I’m running out of time to have kids?” Or even, “Am I staying in this relationship because it’s comfortable, despite not being what I want for my future?”

Why do we believe in this illusion of a relationship timeline? Where did this pressure to be on time in our romance come from?

Where did relationship timelines come from?

The most obvious inputs are our social and evolutionary conditioning throughout history. For the better part of our existence as a species, we’ve coupled up and created families primarily for the purpose of procreation and security, both material and social. 

There was not much to discuss or explore outside these two things. Romance wasn’t part of the equation. Sure, some couples got lucky and found or forged passion, but most formed partnerships out of necessity and duty. In fact until the last hundred years or so, most marriages were arranged and dating wasn’t even a term or phase of relationship. Public couples and legal marriages were heterosexual and monolithic in culture and ethnicity for millenia. And when a couple was formed, they went from introduction to courting to marriage within weeks. 

It’s important to note that while taboo or even illegal to have sex outside of marriage or with someone of the same sex, both happened frequently and from a young age. Puritan culture would try to convince you otherwise, but sex outside of marriage has been recorded since before biblical times.

What does this tell us? That even if on a conscious level we know our modern age requires a different approach and that we have different desires and expectations for long-term partnership or marriage, we have thousands of years of history telling us that we should get married yesterday. That there’s no time to wait. It’s a business and we better get on with it!

Then there’s the biology conversation. Which, I’ll happily skip over because 1) it’s been talked about ad nauseum, 2) we all know child-bearing has a window and 3) many of us don’t want kids or already have them and it’s not a factor in our dating pursuits. The one thing I will say about this aspect is that it’s widely over-played in terms of importance. The window that women are technically able to have healthy children is nearly 30 years on average. And while I’m not suggesting you get pregnant at 15 because you can, the reality is those 30 years will look and feel different for every single woman. Some will go 25 of those years without a partner and have healthy pregnancies toward the end of their window. Some will struggle for years and then conceive with IVF and others will be told there’s nothing wrong and yet be unable to conceive. And this says nothing of a man’s biology and sperm quality. So let’s quit putting pressure on romantic relationships because of a fickle thing like nature. There’s more ways than ever to create a family. Better to do it with the right partner if that’s what you choose and to build your family on a solid foundation, then to try and bend a timeline around an elusive target.

The real culprit, though, is media and the stories we tell. In our modern society, everything from Disney princess movies to RomComs and social apps has us believing in fairytale romances and expedited timelines with very clear and predictable milestones. We’ve been raised on these stories that don’t resemble the realities of messy humans entangling their lives. We go from Notting Hill to The Perfect Couple, believing relationships are either instant connections destined by fate or insanely toxic and destined for tragedy. The happy ever after dopamine gets our attention and the drama ensures we don’t forget our latent anxieties. 

The reality check we all need

This is not the way of most relationships though. Ask a couple you admire who’s been happily committed for five or more years how their love story unfolded. Then ask them to plot the milestones on a timeline. When did they meet? How long until their second date? Met each others’ friends? Families? Said ‘I love you.’ If they were long-distance, how long until they moved to the same city? Moved in together? Got engaged? Got married? 

Do this with a few couples and you might see a pattern or two emerge, but in all likelihood, even if you surveyed 20+ couples, no one’s love story will follow the same timeline or story arc. That’s because there is no one right timeline for dating, just like there’s no one right way to date. 

Still, it seems that many have an idea of what is healthy and normal. Like a doctor reading lab work and pronouncing that “you’re outside the healthy range,” our well-meaning friends may try to label our dating progression as too slow, too fast, or even stalled out. And it’s usually a timeline no one can win.

If you’re young (say, 16-25 for women), then everyone urges you to “slow down,” “take your time,” “really get to know yourself and them before committing,” “see the world,” etc. But if you’re an elder single gal (say, 26+, but especially 30+) it’s the opposite advice: “when do you think you’ll get engaged?” “What’s the problem?” “Why aren’t you sure?” “You should probably live together by now.” 

One of the most common (and puzzling) judgments I still see regularly is that if a relationship doesn’t go from dating to engagement within, say, a year, then the relationship isn’t going anywhere or you’re being strung along and at risk of “getting trapped.” Please hear this for what it is: anxiety projection. If you’re not concerned about your relationship, then do not heed a word that comes from these emotional saviors. And if you do have concerns about your relationship, discuss them with your partner directly and compassionately before sharing with anyone else.

So what’s actually normal timing in relationships?

Despite the notion that it’s a “red flag” if you’re not engaged within a year or two, research proves the opposite. Recent studies have shown that in the U.S. the vast majority of couples date for more than three years before getting married. There’s also significant evidence that shows the longer a couple dates, the lower their likelihood of divorce within couples who date for 2 years lowering their probability by 20% and those dating 3+ years by 50%. Now, probabilities don’t take into account the nuances and particularities of relationship dynamics, but they do show the likelihood of successful long-term marriages follow a pattern. That pattern, though intricate, shows that longer investments into a relationship on the front end, tend to yield longer-lasting relationships.

It’s almost as if when couples are genuinely interested in each other and cultivating their own unique and supportive bond, rather than hitting a milestone, they’re able to progress through all the milestones (albeit a little slower than others).

No one can set the pace for you.

So here’s the dating advice, I swore I’d never give: Take your time. Whatever that means to you. 

If you know, then move forward with peace and confidence in that knowing. If you need time to heal, recover, process, mature or otherwise come home to yourself, do that before focusing on being a better partner. If you feel in your gut that this isn’t right, then pause and assess together how you need to alter things to be in a healthy place, whether together or separate. 

And what I think might be a really lovely way to honor your story, however it unfolds, is to chronicle it. No, you don’t have to be a writer or TikToker. But maybe you journal or keep a notes app or doodle somewhere and just keep track of the dates that something significant happens. 

You went on your second date with and you’re just not sure if you like them…

He met your dog for the first time.

They bought you flowers.

They remembered your drink order.

You got through your first fight.

You stood up for yourself, expressed your need, or changed your mind without apology.

You found them the perfect gift.

He created an inside joke with your friend.

You got added to the family group chat.

You canceled a date to have a self-care night.

Whatever is important to you, note it.

There is no timeline for love, but you’re own.